What Every Relationship Needs in COVID: Boundaries and why they are important for any relationship.
“I am so tired! I’m tired of working and taking care of the kids, their education, the house, my aging parents, my friends, my neighbors. I’m even tired of taking care of my pets and the plants in my house!” These were the gentle refrains of a client whose thoughts echo the sentiments of many other women out there. Another talked about managing her medical condition, which includes additional visits to the doctor that are regularly sprinkled through the week. Yet another young mother talks about the illness of a family member with COVID and feeling torn between taking care of her own family and taking care of them.
Women wear so many hats, and what COVID-19 is teaching us is that without all those little supports that we had in place, we are struggling. And perhaps it was hard then, but it is definitely harder now. Several of my friends have nannies coming in, and others with older kids (like myself) can no longer justify the risks with the benefits in these times. Having the opportunity to go to work provided a buffer from having to think about home and family, and that’s no longer an option for the foreseeable future. Being able to meet friends for a glass of wine, go to the gym, or even get our nails done—the little things we relied on to have healthy distractions are no longer open to us.
Work is no longer just work: It’s work at work and in the bedroom, and in the kitchen and living room (where we used to spend time with family). As September rolls in, we’re worried about the kids and how the remote schooling will pan out. Or we’re concerned about what all this screen time will do to their brains and their minds. We’re anxious about how we will monitor and supervise their work and ours, as in those initial months of COVID.
In a nutshell, what all of this is teaching us is that we have to watch very carefully what hats we want to wear and when. And we have to be careful about what we are trying to control and what we may have to let go of. Those of us who enjoy taking care of others are slowly realizing the toll it’s taking on our minds and bodies. And the reality is sinking in (finally) that the end is not clearly in sight. And we are reconciling how we plan on keeping the ship running for another year or two.
My work with women has taught me that we are really good at showing up for others and making sure everyone else’s needs are being met, that we more often find it harder to ask for what we need. And so the list of things we need to do for ourselves gets pushed lower and lower, as we become more frustrated by the never-ending list of things on our plate, not to mention the resentment towards others for forgetting about us.
And this is where boundaries come in, and it becomes really important to find ways to balance taking care of everyone else and everything else, alongside ourselves. Boundaries help us feel safe and secure in our relationships. They allow us to share our expectations with others and set limits with others (and sometimes with ourselves).
Here are three simple ways to understand and see if establishing boundaries may be right for you:
1. If you’re feeling overwhelmed in any domain of your life—work, parenting, family, marriage, financial—it’s time to look at that a bit more closely. This also requires honesty and accepting that you are allowed to need things from others too.
2. Understand what you need the most help with. Do you need more time for work? Do you need help with housework? Do you need your partner to spend less? Do you need someone to come and supervise the kids for schoolwork? Do you need help to check in on your parents? Do you need to say no to something or someone so you can finally move your body in the day? Do you need to ask your kids to help more with reasonable tasks they can learn to do?
3. Once you have problem-solved around the issue, include others in a conversation about what you need. Most reasonable people are happy to find ways to help, but some are not. Also, if you struggle with saying no, be careful about flip-flopping or avoiding discussing the issue. You will have to come to terms with the fact that you can’t make everyone happy. And neither should you keep that quest alive.
4. Make any tweaks or adjustments to your plan as you go along. People and circumstances are subject to change, so we should be flexible as we go along and discover that things may need to change a bit here and there.
For the client I mentioned above—it meant having to order groceries for her parents online to save a bit more time, hiring the neighbor’s son to mow her lawn, reducing the number of Zoom calls she had set up with friends during the week, and going to bed a bit earlier in order to squeeze in some much-needed exercise in the morning. And although this sort of adjustment may not work for all, it’s worth considering which ones are appropriate for you and what small tweaks you can make in your life to show up more for yourself!
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