I’ve Got This! Perfectionism and its Perils: When not being okay is NOT okay.
Raise your hand if you were born in a “get it done” and “suck it up” family culture. Where expectations were high, no one really cared about how you “felt” and it was important to keep moving ahead. Where there was no room for feeling “weak” or “uncertain.” Where you constantly battled feeling “not good enough” and squelched any fears because you learned that others could not empathize or be sensitive to what you needed.
Growing up like this, we learn to smile through our pain and discomfort or wish it away. We learn to ignore how we feel and tuck it under the corners of our pillow. We learn to not give ourselves a break, and sometimes to push ourselves past the breaking point. We learn to value achievement and sometimes overachievement. The end seems to justify the means and we appear strong, tenacious and full of grit to ourselves and others. It’s like there’s always an imaginary finishing line and we can envision people cheering and clapping as we keep going past the goals we set for ourselves and think—”that wasn’t too bad.”
When we judge ourselves on the basis of success and accomplishments and assume that others judge us on the basis of that as well—we fall prey to a mistaken belief in perfectionism. That we control the respect and admiration of others only if we are okay or doing well. And that showing any sign of weakness, failure or vulnerability may be off-putting to others.
Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston and the author of a number of books about perfectionism and vulnerability explains how perfectionism may be an unhealthy choice we make when we strive to achieve on the basis of “how others think” and less on our own self-improvement.
I’ve often heard this in the form of “I don’t need help, I’m not crazy you know,” or “We have problems, but who doesn’t?” which I see as the “I’ve got this” distortion. Although this seems to be a universal phenomenon, the South Asian clients that call me appear to struggle with it the most. When you’re viewed as a “model minority,” there is a desire to look good to others at the cost of personal and individual sacrifices. They arrive frustrated, desperate and overwhelmed, having waited far longer than they needed to.
Fearing the judgment and ridicule of others (“what will others think?”) and drowning in self-imposed insecurity and fragility, they sometimes focus more on the above than the possibility of therapy as an opportunity for growth, for emotional freedom and support. I know something about this as I have long struggled with it too.
As an immigrant, raising a family and trying to complete my doctoral studies, I totally bought the “I can do this all on my own” kool-aid. I could play the smart student, the nurturing yet efficient mother, the supportive spouse and sister, mother, daughter, and daughter-in-law roles relatively well. I got so good at convincing myself it was necessary, I barely realized I was doing it. Eventually, juggling education, family, and career and trying to be awesome at the same time (all the time) became tiresome and burdensome. I didn’t like saying no, and actually thought I could manage it all. When I finally realized that I was tugging a load that I had helped create, I didn’t feel sorry for myself. Instead, I thought I was stupid and that someone else would have figured this out sooner. I state the obvious here—sometimes we are harder on ourselves than we need to be. And sometimes we are determined to do it alone. As if there was an award or trophy waiting to be awarded at the end of the day to “the best graduate student/wife/mother/sister/daughter or all the above.”
When we view therapy (or seeking help), as proof of defeat and failure and not as a sign of introspection, strength, and courage, we help perpetuate the stigma. Denial keeps us stuck on the hamster wheel, because “if I don’t acknowledge something to be a problem, then (following our convoluted thought process) it likely isn’t.” And if it’s not a “problem” then “I can manage on my own, don’t need to talk about it and am doing just fine, thank you very much.” Exhausting, and unnecessary.
Compounding the problem further, others may assume based on appearances that we are okay and doing just fine. So there are fewer opportunities to receive help or support. We may work so hard at creating the illusion of okay-ness that we may actually buy it ourselves from time to time. As a precaution, it’s important to take our emotional temperature and ask how we are doing, if we are feeling overwhelmed. This helps keep our drive to perform in check and makes us less prone to judging and comparing ourselves to others. Working on your self-deprecation and simultaneously your competitive nature is not easy, but finally feeling safe enough to say, “I need to get help and prioritize what is important” is a big step in the right direction. It means being able to give up control and not feel the need to be a good parent/teacher/tutor/chef/employee/spouse, to others in your life, all the time.
For me as a working mom, the food I serve may not always look and taste fantastic, but it’s healthy. I may not always be able to spend quality time with my family, but when I do I stay away from my phone and other distractions. I focus on trying to balance my needs alongside the needs of my kids and spouse and am working on generally keeping expectations of myself and others realistic and not unusually high. I no longer take pride in saying, “I can do this and this and this all at the same time.”
I always worried that this would make me appear weak, inadequate, and behind the curve. I worried my kids would care that I wasn’t baking them a cake on their birthday or my husband would grumble about the mess our home sometimes is, but I am always surprised that no one really seems to care about those things. That acknowledging my vulnerability, facing my insecurities and knowing my priorities (most days) helps me feel more human and less like a robot.
So ask yourself whether it makes sense to slow down and to step back. Or whether resentment, anger or sadness are taking over because you are tired and unhappy with the status quo. Whether you believe that you must solve your problems by yourself. And then ask yourself what is holding you there—pride, willfulness, fears of inadequacy, or low self-esteem? And finally, is it worth it? Like Michael Phelps, retired competitive swimmer and the decorated Olympian of all time, (with a total of 28 medals says), “It’s okay sometimes to not be okay.”
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